I read this very beautiful, heartrending and emotional post this morning by Fat Mum Slim and it got me thinking.
I’ve had a few health issues over the years, and these may have contributed to my decision not to have another baby. I know I certainly couldn’t have contemplated having another round of IVF or pregnancy whilst dealing with chronic illness. I will never know if that baby hunger would have come back when Boyo was two or three, if life had proceeded as planned and I hadn’t developed an auto immune disorder. I will just never know.
We’re absolutely perfectly happy with our one child policy – just the Welshman, Kimba and Boyo. Our family feels complete. It did as soon as he was born more than eight years ago. The yearning that I dubbed “baby hunger” that was all consuming when we were trying to conceive Boyo never struck again. I’ve never really even been clucky since trying to conceive Boyo. Sure, I’ve held babies, and I’ve enjoyed the beautiful baby scent and the little solid weight as they nestle into your arms, but I’ve never really wanted to “go again”.
A year or so ago, when I started to get a lot better, my specialist started talking to me about babies and if I wanted to try for another one. He suggested that we could investigate drug and treatment options and he would help me manage the process. To be honest, the thought hadn’t even occurred to me but it started me thinking. I was convinced that I would like another baby, despite not wanting to go through IVF, pregnancy, 37 weeks of morning sickness or a caesarean birth complicated by drug allergies. Again.
It took me a few months of hard contemplation, and gentle discussions with the Welshman, to work out that what I really wanted was a 5 year old to be chasing my 7 year old around the garden. I really wanted to have a play with new kit – have you seen the new prams?! I really only wanted a baby, not a toddler. I certainly didn’t want to be pregnant or go through IVF or give birth. My age was also a factor – a case of now or never.
But it wasn’t enough. I really didn’t want to have another baby. I really truly loved my little family just the way they were. But I did take the opportunity to mourn what could have been and “the lost years” that illness robbed from me.
So what am I thankful for? I’m thankful for the realisation that I’m very happy just the way we are. I’m thankful for remission and recovery and returning health. I’m thankful for the opportunity to review my thoughts before it was too late.
Most of all, I’m thankful for my family, whom I love more than anything in the entire world.
Want more Kimba Likes?