October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
A very special family in my life recently celebrated the fifth birthday of their second son. His name is Roman, and he was born sleeping at 42 weeks, weighing in at over 9 pounds. He had hypoplastic right heart syndrome. He is very much loved and missed. I spoke to his mama, my Gorgeous Girl, today, and she said something so simple and so eloquent that I was moved to tears. She told me “I haven’t just lost a baby. This year, I’ve lost a five year old too.”
Every October since 2003, I remember the miscarriage of my Little Lost Twin, the one who didn’t make it into the second trimester. The one whom I still long for and miss desperately. When I allow myself to do so.
I like to think she was a little girl with her mama’s green eyes and her daddy’s beautiful smile.
I never felt her move inside me. Never experienced the little bubbly flutters that Puggle, our bump name for Boyo, gave me. But that doesn’t make her any less real. Or loved.
To this day, there is a little baby-shaped hole in my heart.
I am very lucky because Puggle grew up and was born safely and became the beautiful Boyo who makes my heart sing every day. He is a truly gentle soul with an enormous heart, and I’m very thankful that he is my son and I am his Mama.
Spare a moment this October, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, to remember all the lost babies. Think kindly of their parents and their siblings who never got the opportunity to love them in the world outside. Let them grieve and mourn and wish and remember and yearn.
This October, I am going to acknowledge the loss and emotions of people whose lives have been touched by the tragic loss of their babies. I’m going to be kind and leave the platitudes unspoken. I’m asking you to do the same – maybe for yourself too.